Be What You're Like

There is something wrong with me. I don't understand how relationships are suppossed to work. It just doesn't add up in my head. I can't seem to realize that men can like and love and appreciate women with the same intensity and motives that women love men. I guess if you look at the last year and a half of my life, this pattern makes sense, but I think all those bad relationships were a symptom of this problem and not the cause. I have absolutely no faith that a man can be good to me and treat me with kindness and respect. It just doesn't compute. I am unable to just date someone; I force a half-assed committment out of them to try and fabricate some sense of safety and stability for myself, all the while knowing deep down that their heart just isn't in it. Hence my need to be so physical in relationships... I am trapped in this world of deceit, and I am in so much pain because I find myself questioning every word that comes out of every person's mouth, especially when it is something good about me. What do they want? Why are they trying to placate me? I cannot take anything at face value. What do I do?

I am going to start a company in Rochester that delivers any sort of munchie directly to your dorm room. No more blazed drives to Weg's or panic when an unantcipated craving hits! What do you think?

I really messed up and I feel terrible and I'm not sure how to make it better.



So sorry...

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Shelley
2. Shell
3. S-Jams
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. bwhaturlike
2. hestia416
3. tiswhatshesaid
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my maternal side
2. my laugh
3. my neverending enthusiasm
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my tendency to second guess everything good that happens to me
2. my habit of picking fights with people I love right before I'm about to leave them
3. my desire to move on to the future nownownow
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. germany
2. france
3. arkansas
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. skirt
2. red bra
3. black shirt
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS:
1. The Beta Band
2. Kings of Leon
3. Ben Harper
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Unfaithful - Rihanna
2. Wise Up - Aimee Mann
3. Dry the Rain - The Beta Band
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. skydiving
2. gourmet vegetarian cooking
3. karate
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. humor
2. patience
3. honesty
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I want a bowl of cereal right now
2. My best friend is interning for Amazon.com
3. My foot is asleep right now
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. cartwheels
2. type "properly"
3. look at a baby and not smile
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. sudoku
3. jigsaw puzzles
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. line up housing for next year
2. convince my parents I could handle a puppy
3. masturbate
THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. neonatal nurse
2. midwife
3. culinary expert
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Spain
2. Africa
3. Alaska
THREE KIDS’ NAMES:
1. Mark Ryan
2. Audrey May
3. something my husband likes?

I'm drunk. Or at least, I'm getting there. Yay margaritas.

Remember Alex? The 30 year old guy who I met at that New Year's Party in Dayton and went to visit in San Antonio? Well, we are talking again, kind of a lot. And I'm still really intrigued by him. But our lives are both so busy and intense that we can never find time to be in the same city. I think we would be good together but the logistics are rough. I feel when/if we finally get a chance to be together, it's going to shine. But getting there is not looking likely... Any advice?

Matt and I... well, I went to Rochester last week for a few days, and we had a blast. Before I left, however, he made it very clear that it doesn't want anything serious (hence the interest in Alex). He got very involved very fast with his ex and I think he's scared of that happening again. We work well together, but it's just not good right now for long distance. I also want to answer some questions for myself about Alex before I close that door. *sigh*

I leave for camp in a week. I'm working as a counselor at a ritzy summer camp in upstate New York. $1750 - not great pay, but I get to play with kids for 8 weeks.

Ugh ok i'm tired of updating.

(from Lewis Powell!!)

"If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you."

I push so hard. I take control of relationships and put all these perameters and expectations around them and it always blows up in my face.

Note to self: STOP DOING THAT.

Today was interesting. I stayed at Matt's all day writing my paper (if you don't know who Matt is, we haven't been in touch lately). I slept in until 10:45, took a shower, ate some leftover homemade pizza, watched Price Is Right, and pooped out this 5-page take home essay for history. Then I vegged on the couch watching Sopranos until Matt got home. We then left to go to the doctor because he got mud in his eye while we were four-wheeling yesterday and had a scratched cornea (ouch). On the way there we got rear-ended by some 16 year old chick with a huge ass - a real badonkadonk. I hurt my neck and collarbone I think, and Matt's truck is really messed up. There is a lot of damage to the bed of his truck, I feel bad for him that he has to deal with all this. After we changed his doctor's appointment, which we missed, we went to his sister's house and he got his hair cut. She was really nice, they look exactly alike. It's strange because she has kids who are in their teens - Matt's neice and nephews. After that, we went to the doctor and then to look at used motorcycles. I was in a strange mood all day, not really a bad one, jsut kind of out of it. Matt was so sweet today though, I am nuts about him. NUTS. Ok, I'm done. He's going out of town tomorrow for the week for work. He got a raise today! Yay!! $3 an hour! Kick ass.

Ok I'm done.

Shell

I should be getting dressed and all that but I was inspired to update.

I'm moving off campus and buying a car next year, so all of my free time is dedicated to finding those. So far I have three places I'm considering, but 2 are furnished so they get preference. I realllly wish Cathy could live with me but nope. Stupid parents. I want a good car, not shitty, but not expensive. So that's a challenge. I'm very excited though, I can't wait to have my own kitchen and bathroom and all that. Money is gonna be tight but I can manage.

I've been meeting lots of random but interesting people lately. On my trip to Texas I met Bigg Jon and Derrick, both grown men who I sat with on airplanes. Last night on the train I met Joseph, and we talked for a few hours and I got him hooked on Sudoku. I went to U of M to see Neil and I met Krish, an Indian guy with an Australian accent. Alex is a fading idea, a fantasy really. I can't invest any more emotional energy into that relationship. If I end up going to nursing school at Wright State I can see if it's real. GRR. He has so much potential. I'm not going to do anything to sabotage it, as comforting as that would be.

I want to lose 5 pounds. Some of my jeans are a little tight and my favorite button-up shirt puckers in the middle. I've taken up running but my asthma is giving me grief. And my legs just aren't quite up to par yet. I think I babied them by ellipticalling so often. They've gone soft on me! Not that they were ever great to begin with. I read this book, Eat Drink and Be Healthy, that discusses a lifestyle eating plan that not only controls weight but can prvent certain cancers and other diseases. READ IT!

I want to go to nursing school now. I'm so sick of being an undergrad. I don't party or do any of that stuff that makes college life so awesome, so why should I stick around? I think I will be much more motivated next semester when I'm taking all my nursing prereqs. Anatomy, microbio, physio, organic chemistry... woot. Lots of work but I know I can do it.

Gotta get ready for class.

Shell

Why do I suddenly feel like I can't relate to anyone on this campus, and why do I have a 2-second fuse for the normal antics of college students?


Why do I just want to run away? Everything annoys me and I relish my time alone, which is all my time.





Why can't I dumb myself down and get enjoyment out of fart jokes and Austin Powers? I'm actually looking forward to my anatomy, physio, organic chemstry, microbiology, and pharmacology workbooks coming in so I can make use of my antisocialness.

Hi. I'm a female UR undergrad looking for 2 people to share a house with me next year. It's located at 30 May Street, about a 1.7 miles from campus. Rent would be approxamately $340 per person plus utilities. I'm looking for quiet, neat people who are not huge partiers. Males or females, doesn't matter to me. Also, I plan on getting a small dog so be sure that's ok.

This is the info from the listing...
Features: Cable hook up, Hardwood Floors, Laundry Facilities, Parking, Garage, Pets Allowed

Additional Comments: House is located about 1/4 mile from campus in the Highland Park district. Numerous places to eat and drink are located within a couple min walk ( Distillery, Pellegrinos, The Elmwood Inn...). Highland park is a quick 5 minute walk. Main bus routes on both Mt. Hope and South ave make travel for non-car owners convenient. Walk time to U of R/Strong is about 15 min. Pets are allowed but only with permission. Garage is for storage.

You can leave a comment here or call me at 585-274-3140 and leave a message.

Pass this along to your friends if they're interested!

Shelley Jaumot

Drunkest I've ever been. I have no idea how much was consumed as I was pouring it into a Diet Coke bottle at first and simply drinking out of the bottle soon after. Wow. Sorry Mom, it had to be done. I don't remember much after like 11, but apparently I called Ian and some other random people. Very interesting. I slept with my hand towel for some unknown reason. I woke up at 7:00, still drunk, and chugged a Nalgene bottle of water and went back to sleep. Don't think I'll be drinking like that for a while. But alas, Cathy and I majorly bonded and I did have a good time. Now it's time to go enjoy some good hangover food - Danforth brunch!

~Shell

Hey everyone and a happy 2006! I'm back from my mini-vacation and I had a great time. I got to go to my first real, live New Year's party, although it was odd since I was the youngest one there by 4 years and everyone was married. But I drank too much and had fun none the less. Sang Baby Got Back on karaoke. That was an experience. Got kissed by a 43 year old man and then threatened by his wife. But I'll never see any of those people again so it's all good.

I'm so anxious to get back to school. I feel so useless here with no work or anything to keep me busy. And I really really miss all my friends. I find myself making bad choices here at home out of sheer boredom and I'm going to put a stop to that. I leave for Ft. Lauderdale Friday morning, and then from there I'm going to Boston. I probably won't be able to update a lot in either place but I'll try.

I applied for a summer job yesterday. It's at a summer camp in Wisconsin. I'm going to apply for a bunch more counselor jobs, I think it would be really fun. If you have any suggestions or advice let me know!

Love you all and miss you terribly.

~Shell

PS: Resolution to give up red meat begins when I return to school, since my family is most unaccomodating.

Sad news. My laptop is corrupted. Macs work really really well and then they simply die. Too bad.

Also my family and I are going to some family friend's houses for New Years so I won't be on line for a while.

Just so you all don't think I've died.

Fall 2006
Microbiology (nursing school requirement)
Introduction to American Politics
The Asian Search for Self
Principles of Economics

Spring 2007
Physiology (nursing school requirement)
Introduction to Music Theory
Linear Algebra
The Solar System

Should be a good time! Feel free to leave me a message if you have any suggestions...

~Shell

I'm lying in bed watching Family Guy. I love being home, I've gotten 10 hours of sleep a night in my full-sized bed. However, I am allergic to cats so every morning I wake with itchy eyes, a sinus headache, and a sore throat. It kind of sucks. Its weird because I lived for 18 years with cats and I guess I was used to being around them so I didn't notice my allergies.

I had some really weird dreams last night. First of all I dreamed that I was back in my old high school in Virginia and I was completely naked. The weird thing was that no one noticed. Then I dreamed I was in Rochester and I was dragging my comforter up a hill and it was wet. Tess Parker stopped to help me. Then, right before I woke up, I dreamed that my mom and I hated each other and weren't talking.

I got lots of cool gifts for Christmas. My mom bought me a bunch of clothes, and although they're all really nice I think I'm going to return them and spend the money at AE or Old Navy. I also got a really nice AE fleece sweatshit from my brother, a purse, headbands, bath stuff, and Family Guy on DVD. I also got a $50 gift card to the local mall, which I'm going to spend on shoes. God I am turning into such a GIRL! I'm even letting my hair grow, and I bought a hair dryer the other day. I'm scaring myself.

I never thought I would actually enjoy being single. Its nice not having anyone I have to call and check in with. I like flirting with lots of people, and allowing myself to enjoy the attention. I love my life. Maybe I should have listened to everyone sooner. But I really needed to do it for myself.

So when my brother and I go down to Florida to visit my "other" family (Dad, stepmom, baby sibilngs), we're staying in a hotel. Its kind of lame. I know they don't really have room in their house for both of us, but its just the priniciple. And he lied to me. I asked him a month or so ago if we were staying at the house and he said yes. Then he lets it slip to my brother that he confirmed our reservation at the extended stay hotel near his house. I think he's also renting us a car. Which 99% of people would think was awesome - our own car in Soth Florida. But it annoys me that he insists on giving us so much independence when we're down there to see him. I can't really explain it.

Kk I'm out. Have a good day!

~Shell

I am no longer on a never-ending quest for love. I've had more fun these past two months than I have probably since high school. I'm almost 21. I cannot believe that. I figured I don't need to be married by the time I'm 26 like I hoped. I'm not hurting anyone, so why should I keep trying to make everyone happy? This is about me. This life is my life.

I'm not a bad person and I'm not cynical, I just don't think I should be playing by anyone else's rules.

TEN FIRSTS
First Best Friend: Melissa and Angie DeClerc
First Screen Name: jamoutchic416
First Pet: Sassy
First Piercing: ears when I was 12
First Crush: I can't remember that far back
First CD: Stand By Me Soundtrack
First Car: not yet
First Love: Geoff Rixon
First Stuffed Animal: Puppy

NINE LASTS
Last Alchoholic Beverage: Cosmopolitan
Last Car Ride: driving Anna's car
Last Movie Seen: Strangers on a Train
Last Phone Call: mom
Last CD Played: CDs? People still have those?
Last Bubble Bath: over thanksgiving
Last Time You Cried: a few nights ago...

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: yup
Have you ever been arrested: no
Have you ever skinny dipped: yes
Have you ever been on TV: yes
Have you ever kissed someone and then regretted it: of course
Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you knew: so many

SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING
1. BU sweatshirt
2. black lace panties
3. black lace bra
4. sweatpants
5. socks
6. earrings
7. black tank top

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
1. laid around in bed
2. videotaped Brent's goofy story
3. watched a movie
4. hardcore studying for BCS
5. hung out with Jarrett
6. almost fell on ice

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER
1. tigers
2. orange
3. kissing
4. John Cusack
5. babies

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL [ALMOST] ANYTHING TO (in random order)
1. Cathy
2. Evan
3. Brent
4. Mike P.

THREE CHOICES
1. hot or cold: there's a time for both
2. beef patties or mcCHICKENs: eww neither
3. BBALL or Boys/Girls: umm...

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. skydive
2. adopt a child

ONE THING YOU REGRET
1. Fetzer

1. What did you do last night?
hehehehehe

2. Who was the last person you called?
mom

3. What does the 5th text on your phone say?
i delete them

4. Do you like milk?
mmmmm

5. When was the last time you got hurt?
thinking about jack

6. When was the last time you cried?
monday night

7. When was the last time you lost something?
i dont really lose things

8. What are you listening to right now?
Joey on NBC

9. Why did your last relationship end?
we were just not compatible

10. What bothers you the most about the opposite sex?
denial

11. Where was the best date you've ever been on?
that's a really hard question...

12. What was the first thing a guy/girl bought for you?
chocolates

13. Do you date more than one person at once?
nope

14. What was the last movie you watched?
Strangers on a Train

15. What was the last t.v show?
Joey

16. What do you want for your b-day?
something completely unnecessary

17. What are you doing tonight?
hanging out, chillin' with Brent

18. When was the last time you went on vacation?
hmm...

19. How do you feel right now?
kinda sick to my stomach

20. Who do you think will take this?
hahaha no one

21. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
my hair!!

22. How much cash do you have on you?
$30

23. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
pest

24. Favorite plant?
lilies

25. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Ben Gamer

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Hungarian Chant

7. What shirt are you wearing?
hoodie

8. How do you "label" yourself?
i dont

9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
nike

10. Bright or Dark Room?
dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey?
=D he's awesome

12. Do you know what an 8-track is?
Yes

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
reading Lolita

14. What did your last text message you recieved on your cell phone say?
deleted them

15. Do you ever click on Pop-ups or banners?
Nah

16.What's a saying that you say a lot?
your mom...

17. Who told you they loved you last?
my brother

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
i have one going right now

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
20

22. Your worst enemy?
self-deprication

23. What is your current desktop picture?
me and Jojuan smiling at each other

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Good luck on your exam!

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you pick?
money - regrets are part of who we are